Why Is Everyone Getting Divorced Without Me?

Are they failing at marriage, or is marriage failing them?

Photo by Andranik Hakobyan via Canva.

In my 20s, it was weddings. In my 30s, it was baby showers. In my 40s, it’s drinks on the town with my recently divorced friends. Society doesn’t yet have a social tradition for commemorating divorce, but I think we should change that. “Reverse weddings,” perhaps?

I have to imagine that divorce is a complicated life transition. One might feel shame, grief, guilt, and anger, and one might simultaneously feel freedom, empowerment, and relief.

One friend put it this way: “Getting divorced sucks. Being divorced is awesome.”

I’m not sure everyone would agree with that sentiment. Lots of people aren’t particularly happy about being divorced. There’s more financial strain. There’s loneliness. There are sleepless nights spent wondering what it was all for. If you had children with the person you divorced, there is also the tension of continuing to co-parent with someone you don’t get along with, or maybe someone you wish you never had to see again. If your ex starts dating or gets remarried, there’s the emotional labor of dealing with the new person.

If you’re a woman, there are also the societal judgments to contend with — even in 2023, society still insists on marital status as a barometer of female worth. And if you’re a middle-aged woman entering the online dating scene… well, that ain’t going to be a walk in the park. It’s all too likely you’ll be subject to messages like this one that a man actually left me on a Medium story:

Middle aged women have hit the wall. Many of them are worthless single mothers no man of value will seriously consider marring those used up women with baggage. The best they can hope for is a short term fling or one night stand. That’s all they are good for.

So yeah, divorce is no joke. But marriage is no joke, either. And I have to admit, when I see my friends taking the leap… part of me is a little jealous.

I’m not jealous because I secretly want out of my relationship. I’m not jealous because I want to be single again. I’m specifically jealous of my divorced friends who have children and evenly split joint custody. They seem to have found, albeit…