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What Distinguishes the Men Who Get It From the Men Who Don’t
Many men who claim to be feminist allies are actually part of the problem
On our third date, the man who would become my husband told me, “You get it.”
The “it” he was referring to was the experience of being Black in the United States of America. He wasn’t saying that I understood every nuance. He was saying that I struck him as humble and curious and eager to listen — and this surprised him. It wasn’t an experience he was used to having with white people.
Twenty years and two kids later, I don’t fully “get it” and never will. When I venture out in the world, I still do so in white skin. I still catch myself making racialized assumptions, I still put my foot in my mouth, and perhaps most crucially, I still benefit from white privilege.
“Getting it” is not a definitive, perpetual state of enlightenment; rather, it’s a definitive, perpetual state of seeking to understand. Over two decades, I’ve read books and articles; validated, rather than questioned, my husband’s direct experiences with racism; shared dozens of stories online to bring attention to these experiences; started an equity committee at work; and written more than one letter to white educators and supervisors to advocate for my husband and children.
