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What Distinguishes the Men Who Get It From the Men Who Don’t

Many men who claim to be feminist allies are actually part of the problem

Kerala Taylor
13 min readFeb 4, 2025
I don’t like to make hasty judgments, but I’m 99% sure this guy doesn’t get it. Photo via Canva.

On our third date, the man who would become my husband told me, “You get it.”

The “it” he was referring to was the experience of being Black in the United States of America. He wasn’t saying that I understood every nuance. He was saying that I struck him as humble and curious and eager to listen — and this surprised him. It wasn’t an experience he was used to having with white people.

Twenty years and two kids later, I don’t fully “get it” and never will. When I venture out in the world, I still do so in white skin. I still catch myself making racialized assumptions, I still put my foot in my mouth, and perhaps most crucially, I still benefit from white privilege.

“Getting it” is not a definitive, perpetual state of enlightenment; rather, it’s a definitive, perpetual state of seeking to understand. Over two decades, I’ve read books and articles; validated, rather than questioned, my husband’s direct experiences with racism; shared dozens of stories online to bring attention to these experiences; started an equity committee at work; and written more than one letter to white educators and supervisors to advocate for my husband and children.

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Kerala Taylor
Kerala Taylor

Written by Kerala Taylor

Award-winning writer. Interrupting notions of what it means to be a mother, woman, worker, and wife. Subscribe: https://keralataylor.substack.com

Responses (16)

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Thanks. And a big shoutout to my parents. They were old-school feminists and both university professors. I remember painting pro-ERA slogans on our VW Bus in the '70s and them always trying to set a good example. The idea of a wife just doing what…

Exactly- yes to all of this.
My twenty-year marriage ended because of these issues. The disparity was classic "but I was at work/I don't know how to do these things," and eventually I was just emotionally drained to the point that I didn't care…

Though 72.1% of mothers also work, child care is still seen as a woman’s job — whether it’s providing the care (on an underpaid or unpaid basis), finding the care, or coordinating the c...

Thank you for taking the time to write this, you mention so many important points. Maternity and parental supports are shamefully lacking in the U.S. I firmly believe that gender equality is unobtainable without subsidized childcare.