I’m Not Failing at Marriage. I’m Succeeding at Separation.

I finally have the time and space to deprogram, detox, and deconstruct

Photo by Ikostudio

I’m currently on sabbatical from my marriage. I’m removing myself from the daily grind, hitting the “reset” button, getting some much-needed perspective. Just like some workplaces recognize that employees get burnt out after many years on the job, I’m recognizing that many years of marriage have left me similarly depleted.

Of course, most people would describe my present circumstances as “being separated” from my husband of nearly 16 years. Most people would consider separation to be a likely precursor of divorce, and divorce to be the byproduct of a failed marriage.

Oh, how I loathe the term, “failed marriage.”

Perhaps I’m feeling particularly defensive at this point in time, but it’s a term we would rarely apply to anything else we’ve worked at, and largely “succeeded” at (whatever that means), for two decades. Over the last 16 years of marriage, as well as the four years before our wedding, my husband and I have co-parented my stepson and our two children, scraped by on my income to put my husband through college and then a doctorate program, pursued meaningful careers, purchased a home and three cars, and, as an interracial couple, united to fight the white patriarchy in its many ugly and infuriating forms.

We’ve shared somewhere around 7,000 meals together, most of them nutritious; given one another at least 2,000 orgasms, none of them faked; and spent at least 3,000 hours on planes, trains, and automobiles to make memories and visit family. We’ve loved hard and laughed hard and cried hard. We’ve built a life and a family together, however chaotic or precarious it seems at times.

Even 20 years into our relationship, our daily interactions have remained largely affectionate. I still feel the same chemistry I felt the first time he smiled at me, revealing his signature dimples and the creases that spread like fans from the corners of his eyes.

But lately, the intermittent periods of marital drama have been getting less intermittent and more dramatic. Like all couples, my husband and I have faced unique challenges based on the particular blend of personal…